real talk with Bella (unedited version)

So story time… since i’m homeschooled i don’t get to see my friends a lot. so my parents signed me up to this home school group in August. we get together to go to the park every other Friday to hangout, we have dances… just like a normal school. well my first time i was so scared, afraid no one would like me. but against my fears it turned out really well. about 30 minutes until it was over a car pulled up. I remember when I first saw him. his brown eyes so kind and honest. so full of life. he was nothing like my usual type. which made me like him even more. and when we shook hands and introduced ourselves my hand tingled, it was like he gave me a contact high, and it lasted for days. and when I came down from it, I was broken, longing to see him. counting the days until i saw him next, but he didn’t show. so i waited another two weeks and another. i couldn’t take my mind off of him. i had almost given up when i saw him show up in his work uniform, omw my heart was pounding out of my chest. i made excuse to talk to him or look his way, but i was sure he didn’t like me.

it wasn’t until the dance that i began to doubt. he looked so good dressed up. he asked me to dance several time. each time yes became easier to say. we laughed every time we messed up. he even taught me how to swing dance. he was so patient, even when i stepped on his toes a few times. he told me i looked pretty, i said he looked handsome, we flirted. it was great. but i knew i was no match with these other girls, besides i cant date yet. i knew this but i still couldn’t stop thinking of him. i don’t know what was wrong with me, but it hurt to be away from him and it hurt more to try and push my feelings down.

i’m someone who it is obvious who they like, but i don’t think my friends fully understand how much. but anyway everybody knew i liked him, BUT HIM!!!! it made me so mad, but also so sad, cause i knew i could never tell him. 8 months later i still feel this way, and still cant tell him. it’s even more confusing now because my friend likes him too!!!! i have no idea if he likes me or not. he flirts but it’s nothing different then the usual. y’all have to understand I’m not that pretty, i’m thick and tall and have an athletic build, there is nothing to be desired. but my friend who also likes him is so pretty does ballet so she is skinny and she can date she is also closer to his age. I’m 15 she is 16 and he is 17. but i don’t think he likes her, i mean they have been friends lot longer then him and i but still i dont know.

so the reason i’m telling y’all this is cause i’m kinda confused about how i feel, and i don’t know what to do, so if y’all have advise i would love to hear it.

20 Comments

  1. omg! interesting! he is definitely interested. Why would he ask u to the dances if not? Maybe just to go as a friends, but meh I don’t see that. speaking from experience, holding it in isn’t good for ur sanity. I confessed and getting it off my chest felt great. And here’s the bonus of it, u’ll figure out how he feels. u don’t have to, but once it’s done you either have someone with mutual feelings, or have a load off ur shoulders. a bit of both. and if he does end up saying he’s interested, u don’t have to be in a relationship since ur not allowed. u could just talk and share stuff with each other.
    Any who, go with ur gut. Even if it doesn’t work out i bet u could learn something valuable from it.

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      1. Everyone’s afraid of rejection (me included). And that’s okay!
        If u do confess, ur friendship won’t rlly be a thing a more. But if u save ur friendship, how long will u be able to have it before u can’t handle hurting urself over not saying anything?
        I would say u should confess, but my advise is go with ur gut and pay attention to how he acts around u. Ask urself, does it feel right with him?

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      2. I haven’ thought of it like that…. thank you so much! I will for sure, don’t know when but I will. trying to work up the nerve before hand…. maybe practice in my mirror a little lol

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  2. Sorry not to comment sooner. I root for you, Bella. Maybe because you remind me of me at your age. A romantic. Creative. Painfully self conscious (I had to wear a back brace.) Time spent not liking yourself – inside or out – is wasted. Change what you can. Pray to be at peace with the rest.
    I know how it feels to fall in love with a friend. I know how great it feels when he loves you back. I know the soul crush of him being in love with somebody else. Be patient. You have his friendship. The best relationships start there. Whatever happens, never stop being a romantic. Life may be more painful at times but it will be much richer. Best of luck.

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    1. wow that was beautiful, thank you. I’m sorry for the pain you endured, but I am thankful that you chose to share and give advise to those going through similar. I’m in uncharted territory with this guy, and to add onto it he turned 18 Friday. I’m confused on how I feel vs how I’m supposed to feel. I know that there are worse things going on in the world, but I feel lost. I guess you understand that feeling. I want to tell him how I feel but 18 complicates things.

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    2. I don’t to feel this way, correction I don’t want to get hurt because I feel this way (what ever you call this feeling). sometimes I miss having simple crushes, but even though this is one of the worst hurts I have ever felt, it is also the best feeling I have ever felt… is that weird?

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  3. Hi Bella, read your post. It’s really kind and brave of you to listen to your heart and share it in this platform through your thoughts. I guess you should talk to him about this, and get to know whether he feels the same way for you. If not then it’s ok, because even the moments that you are living now is precious and raw, and will be memorable for you lifetime. There is nothing wrong being confused here, on the contrary you will enjoy your journey in a quest to know your answers.

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      1. I understand your point. It’s completely natural to feel that way. Keep it simple, slow and have patience, and always listen to any intuition if it comes straight from your heart, because it never lies to you. Hope everything will conclude well. Peace..

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