This Is Me

(trigger warning: self harm, suicided, substance abuse, child abuse)

Look,

I’m going to tell you my story from beginning to end,

so grab you paper and pen,

And I’ll tell you every one of my sins,

From a young age I was suicidal,

Depression and anxiety followed me,

Watched mom pop pills,

cut her wrists,

put that needle in her arm,

and it bothered me,

is this future me?!

is this what I’m bound to grow up and be?!

found daddy hanging in the garage,

Of course i was sad,

then i was mad,

then i was done,

i wanted to do what he did,

so i could be free,

and not like my mom,

who with every prick of the needle,

reality she hid from,

she would drink from the bottle,

and then she would hit us,

Fast forward a couple years and my baby sister almost died,

I never had the opportunity to cry,

i had to take care of my mom,

who was high at the time,

At seven CPS was called,

i was ripped apart from my siblings and my mom,

I didn’t mind taking care of my family,

doing what i needed to do,

and be who i needed to be,

Placed in the foster care system,

it could have been worse,

bounced from home to home for a couple of years,

at least i wasn’t in a hearse,

Then i was ten,

went to a Christian home,

Didn’t know where to begin,

They said prayers, went to church,

and gave ten percent,

Two years later i was adopted by them,

i came to love that i belonged and was apart of them,

Then the anxiety came back and i tried to take my own life,

but i survived,

and I’m glad i did,

and with a pen i replaced that knife,

Six years later I’m still a mess,

still have anxiety and depression,

not fee of them yet,

But they aren’t yelling at me to end it anymore,

and I’m thankful I have both feet on the floor,

The smile on my face isn’t a mask,

or a prop that i want you to see,

Believe it or not this is the real me,

I’m not perfect by any means,

But i have what it takes to beat the demons in me

AND SO DO YOU

2 Comments

  1. Bella, It’s been a while since I read your blog because I’ve been concentrating on my own. I always liked your writing because it was full of hope and innocence. But nothing was as powerful as your last post. You have so much to be proud of. Being able to stay positive and keep dreaming under awful circumstances is more than a gift. It is a super power. Best of luck to you in all of your endeavors.

    Like

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